“I Needed All Three of My Parents In Different Ways”: Cassandra’s Donor Conceived Story

Jun 21

I grew up in a very average family. Mom, dad, sister, a big house, a yard, a few dogs – the kind of family you’d see in a picture book. But, as a kid, I knew something was off. I didn’t belong. I felt alone. I wondered if I was adopted. But I always talked myself out of it. I couldn’t be. I look like my sister, and she looks like our dad.

In November 2020, my sister came to visit my mom and me. I told my sister about some family friends who found out their dad wasn’t their biological dad. It turned out that they were half-sisters, and their parents had used sperm donors. They found out from a DNA test.

My sister said, “That’s why I’m so afraid to do a DNA test.” And she looked at my mom and said, “Can you promise me there won’t be any surprises?” My mom didn’t understand the question, so my sister repeated it a few times. Eventually I told my sister, “What do you mean? You look just like Dad.” And my sister asked my mom again. My mom started crying.

In that moment, our worlds crumbled, and my sister and I didn’t even know it yet. Finally, the truth came out: my parents had used an anonymous egg donor. It took me a few days to come out of shock, but when I did, I had a whole identity crisis. I had always felt out of place. Being donor-conceived explained everything and nothing at the same time.

“There is more than one way to be a parent, and biological parents are a type of parent who have a real impact on their biological kids even if they never meet.”

— Cassandra C.

When I found my biological mom and her family through a DNA test, it was like finding new puzzle pieces I felt were missing but couldn’t describe. I learned a lot about myself by finding the people who shared my DNA. I found the people share a lot of my traits – including my political views, my facial features, and my passion for teaching.

The privilege of growing up with both biological parents isn’t one most people really think about often, but it can drastically shape a person’s identity without ever considering it exists. There is more than one way to be a parent, and biological parents are a type of parent who have a real impact on their biological kids even if they never meet.

I’ve learned that accepting one type of parent does not take away from the other or make the other any less important. We can make donor conceived families in a new way, where donor conceived people get to grow up with all of the parents that created them. I needed all three of my parents equally and in different ways. I know now that having access to all three parents can make a positive impact on the identities of future donor-conceived people. Who wouldn’t want their kid to just have more people to love them?

I shouldn’t have had to look for my bio mom and the missing pieces of myself. I should have always known her and who she was. We need to abolish anonymous donation so that no kid will have to wonder who they look like or where a given trait comes from.